Немного авиационного юмора.....

[Ленивец]

While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate
female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know
it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but
get it right!"

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the
verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground
controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was
running high.

Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to
you once?"

========

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a
three-sixty, a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing
between aircraft.

The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two
thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
thousand dollars' worth."

=======

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach
speed a little high.

San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the
runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101
and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

======

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being
vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.

KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one
o'clock and three miles."

Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven
o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well...I've
got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a
Chevelle."

=========

Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

=======

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

=======

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered
lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but
how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206".

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
the active runway."

Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a
stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vhere you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."

Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown
to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type
of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."

=======

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that
Fokker in sight."

=========

A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following: "Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our
start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the
bloody war!"