Law School Humor

[DanielMa]

Some basic things you need to know before you read it: 1L, 2L, 3L - first, second, third year law students. Justice Thomas is a Supreme Court justice known for his stupidity. Learned Hand - the name of a famous judge.
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I love February in Ann Arbor. The weather is finally cold enough to be relatively dry. Law school exams are over and people are somewhat relaxed. 1Ls, after getting their fall grades, are finally realizing that they are not getting a paid summer job and are starting to slowly turn into the more indifferent 2Ls. 2Ls with job offers have already spent half of their future summer earnings on a trip to some disease infested tropical country during the winter break. The other half is being slowly blown drinking at Rick's and other upscale places. Those 2Ls without jobs are also spending time at Rick's going deeper into the bottle and passing stories on how to explain their AA membership on the Utah Bar application. I don't know what 3Ls do because I haven't seen one around campus yet.

As a kid I dreamed of becoming an airline pilot. Well, initially I wanted to be an astronaut, but around the age of five I realized that airplane pilots get to meet more women on the job. Now, I am really glad I didn't become an astronaut. Did you hear about the recent food shortage on the International Space Station? Imagine two guys, an American and a Russian, locked up in a big tin can without food. They had to go on a diet until NASA launched some lunches. The American astronaut lost 30 pounds, the Russian guy lost a whopping 170 pounds, and the Alien gained 170.

Being an airplane pilot is a completely different game. You get to travel all over the world, wear a nice uniform, make a lot of money, and be the first one to know when your plane crashes into the ground. Seriously, airplane pilots have it much easier than lawyers. Pilots know their work schedules in advance and can plan their lives around. Pilots are covered by union contracts and can retire early. Plus, hijackers are nicer than most law firm partners. It is also much easier to get a job as an airplane pilot. Last time I visited our Career Services Office they told me that with my GPA I will get a job when pigs fly. Well, when that time comes airplane pilots will be bringing home a lot more bacon than lawyers. Unless, of course, they fly for El-Al.

The only reason why I did not become a pilot is because it required getting up on time every day. You see, planes try to fly on schedule (you'd never guess this by flying out of Detroit on American) and sometimes those flights leave very early. Because sleep is very important to me, I decided that I needed a job where I do not have to go to work very early. What could be better for me than a law firm job? In fact, most mornings I probably won't have to go to work at all since I will be already in my office from the night before.

Did I mention that I love February in Ann Arbor? There is nothing like waking up on a wonderful winter morning in Ann Arbor. It is below zero outside, slightly above zero inside the house, and the flying pigs are huddling together on the trees to get warm. And what can possibly be more invigorating than to be awoken by a 150-decibel ear-piercing noise at 6:45am on Saturday morning. You know those modern radio alarm clocks that have more unmarked buttons and knobs than a UFO cockpit? Have you ever tried to turn it off Friday night (after a few cheap beers at Rick's) only to find out that instead you just cranked up the volume to the max?

Trying to shut up my alarm clock is about as easy as shutting up a Jewish wife who nags that her husband is not bringing home enough kosher bacon. There are seven small black buttons in a row on my alarm clock and a big snooze button. In order to shut it off, I have to press one of those seven button (I can never remember which one) and while holding it press the snooze button. Let me remind you, the buttons are black and they are not back-lit. Can you imagine doing this in the complete darkness at 6 am on Saturday morning after drinking the night before? After fumbling in the darkness for a couple of minutes and listening to my neighbors across the wall cursing me in Spanish, I finally manage to turn it off. But I am never sure if I pressed the right button or if I just pressed snooze.
I might be old-fashioned, but I cannot fall asleep if I think that in 10 minutes I will be rudely awaken again by this horrible noise. Lying in your bed at 6:45 am on a cold February day and counting away those 600 seconds makes me think that when hell freezes over I might not even notice.

Who in the world designed this stupid alarm clock? Must be a Michigan Engineering graduate. I turn the clock over and sure enough it says "Made in China." So it is a Chinese Michigan Engineering grad! China is a nation with a rich culture and a long history of scientific developments. They invented gunpowder, kites (the kites that the girls at clubs usually tell me to go fly), and the famous Chinese torture. Over the years they perfected their inventions. Now they torture people by making cheap unreliable alarm clocks with tiny black buttons that are invisible in the dark and impossible to turn off.

In fact, I think I remember reading something in my Con Law class about the prohibition against cruel and unusual punishments. This alarm clock should certainly violate some of my constitutional rights. I think this will make a great topic for a Law Review note, I can already envision the title "The Case Against Alarm Clocks Revisited: Learned Hand's take on the second hand." I am sure that Ave Maria Law Review already published several articles on this topic in their last issue, but I think I can narrow it down enough so that it is not preempted. No one will ever read it of course, but it is for the best as it will be full of grammatical mistakes, misspellings, and Justice Thomas' quotes.

Does anybody need a radio alarm clock? It is like new, in great shape, although it plays only country music. I don't know why; the clerk in the Tennessee store assured me it that it plays everything. As for me, I decided to be a real patriot and reduce our country's trade deficit with China. I bought myself a Michigan rooster. Do I need to defrost it before it starts singing in the morning?